Why the Roman Polansky Apologists Are Dead Wrong    

   Roman Polansky was arrested recently on a 30-year-old rape charge. Shortly thereafter, the Hollywood elite came out in defense of him, stating that "he has suffered enough" and "it's been 30 years, let it go" and "the victim has forgiven him" We have Whoopi Golderg on "The View" saying that it wasn't "rape, rape". 

   Have you read the details of what this guy did? It is sickening. This is just another example of how children are offered fewer protections in the law than adults when they should actually have more. Here is why the apologists are wrong:    

   A 13 year old cannot consent to sex.   Polansky premeditated the whole thing. He knew how old she was. He lured her in, drugged her, did unspeakable things to her, then discarded her. This is exactly the way pedophiles behave. This was not an overwhelming impulse that he succumbed to; it was not that he gave in to the seduction by a teenager. He had numerous opportunities to stop what he was doing. She said NO. He didn't stop. He wanted what he wanted and like all pedophiles proceeded in the most heinous and selfish manner. This is a rape, not some lesser crime. Furthermore, this would still be a rape even if the victim were an adult.

    The cable reality show, "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" is a show about a married couple that has eight children. It's become increasingly popular and the show's stars, "Jon and Kate" are tabloid celebrities. The media attention has been heightened due to the very public split of the now famous pair.  

   I have watched several episodes and I also know many people who watch religiously, even setting their DVR to tape every episode. I can understand how people find this entertaining, but if you are looking at it from the children's point of view, there is no good that come out of this for them.    

   I can understand how the monetary rewards of being part of this TV show seduced Jon and Kate. Heck, they have eight college educations to pay for down the road. However, there were many other ways they could have capitalized on their brood without doing a show which films their everyday life. She could have written a book, done some commercials or agreed to endorsement deals for kids' products. I can't imagine that any of these would have any long-term negative impact on the kids.    

   So how can this show hurt the kids? I can't say for sure that it would, but you can see that the potential is there and as a parent one should say NO right there! The potential for harm lies in the daily disruption of their normal lives, having strangers in their house all the time, the act of posing for the camera, and the changes that have taken place in the parents as fame ensued (this one worst of all). The parents broke up and now these kids will grow up children of divorce and all the struggles involved with that.   

   No fun for the kids at all here.

    It can be overwhelming to have small kids at home. Moms need to find ways to make their daily life with kids easier and make themselves feel better too. Here are some ideas to get you started:    

   Don't Sweat the Small Stuff. Moms, if there is one mantra you should say in your head twenty times a day, it is this! Most moms who are stable and grounded do not have spotless homes. So what if there are piles of laundry around and a ring in the bathtub. Nurturing your little one's growing mind is much more important. Focus on what a great job you are doing as a mom and stop thinking that you will EVER get all the work done. The sooner you accept this, the happier you will be!    

   Prioritize. Make a short list of the three things that are most important to tackle at home. Then narrow it down to one and start to work on it. Forget the others. Moms often feel like failures because they have one big list of "things I haven't done yet" in their heads.    

   Get Organized. If you weren't lucky enough to be born with good organizational skills, try some of these quick fixes. Buy a family organizational wall calendar that has slots for work, social and toddler-related activities on each date. Buy big plastic bins in fun colors. They stack easily and can hide an abundance of stuff, both your junk and your child's. If your home looks less cluttered, you feel less cluttered on the inside, which is invaluable for your spirit and for keeping your stress levels in check.    

   Child's Room. If you are like most moms of 2-year-olds, you have allowed a lot of excess toys, stuffed animals and other playthings to accumulate in your child's room. You could probably get rid of half of it without him missing any of it (Of course, you never let them see you do this, because they would suddenly become very attached to anything you want to remove!) Remember, children with 5 toys are just as happy as those with 100 toys! They don't need all that stuff.    

   Ask for Help. Moms are known for multitasking. We are also known for suffering in silence. If there is help available to you-TAKE IT!!!    Tomorrow is a new day. Start with just one of the above ideas and you will be feeling empowered by lunchtime!!

    The world is watching as the fallout from Michael Jackson?s death continues. Still to be resolved is the issue of custody of his 3 children ages 7, 11 and 12. With no legal wife and the bizarre surrogate nature of their birth, this raises some very interesting questions about who would make the best parent for these children.    

   We often hear legal beagles say that the judge will determine what is in the best interest of the child. The answer to this should be viewed much differently if talking about an infant than when you are talking about preteen children. In the case of a newborn I can understand that the courts look primarily at "parental rights" and who has the legal right to the child. When the children are older, the courts should look first at what is in the best interest of child and the "parental rights" should be secondary. As much as we hear that the courts are supposed to do this, I don't think they really do. They make the assumption that a "blood" relative is better, which may or may not be true.  

   In the case of the Jackson children, we have a 79-year-old grandmother who may have had little interaction with these children before now. Attached to that we have the issue of Joe Jackson and what access he would have to the kids if grandmother is granted custody. No one thinks his involvement would be a plus. Then there is Debbie Rowe, who gave birth to them, then gave them away and who seems pretty weird. Also in the picture is the full time nanny who has been with the children every day since their birth. We will probably see others come out to make a claim given the money involved.  

   Without knowing any more than what is reported about the children's relationship with these various players, I would probably vote for the nanny. It is very likely that this person is the children's "psychological mother" which is a bond that will last a lifetime. Furthermore, a sudden removal of one's "psychological mother" is beyond traumatic for children. Considering that they just suddenly lost their father, losing the nanny too could be shattering to their development. I doubt that she will be given much consideration in this custody fight, but if the judge really cares about their mental health, he should definitely take her into consideration as a real viable option for custody.   

The untimely death of Michael Jackson at the age of 50 raises many questions about his lifestyle. For me, it also raises the question of how this adorable, poised, super-talented boy grew up to be such a tormented soul, and how his life story tells us about what children really need to grow up to be healthy adults. In a nutshell, I think the lessons are:


1. You can?t become a well-adjusted adult without being a child first.
2. Normal is better than famous.
3. The older you are when you become famous, the better your chances.
4. If you should become rich and famous, don?t hang out with other famous people.
5. Don?t live in a place called ?Neverland?. Live in a relatively modest house with just your family( no "handlers") and maybe a dog(no chimps).
6. Parents should be hugely cautioned about encouraging their kids to become child stars. It?s just too risky.
7. Children need their parents to provide limits and to just say NO to things that may be damaging in the long run
8. Children need to know they are loved for their true selves.

While it is easy for parents to think it would be great if their child became a star, the reality of what this is really like for a child is not so pretty. Many, many child stars died young or ended up in all sorts of trouble. I don?t think it is performing itself that is damaging; it is the culture that surrounds it that screws kids up. The child is treated differently because he is an "asset", and kids should not be burdened with that. It is not easy for adults to deal with fame and fortune, but a child certainly does not have the necessary defense mechanisms to cope.

Child stars probably wonder if they would still be loved if they were a plain old kid. I saw Michael interviewed in recent years where he states that he feels more comfortable with kids because they are the only ones who will tell him the truth. Childhood is a time where you ?practice? the social and emotional skills you will need to succeed in the adult world. Since Michael became such a big star so young, he never finished his practice sessions and in a sense he never ?graduated? to adulthood. He was frozen at age 10, which is interesting because that seems to be the age group of the kids that he always invited to his house. My gut feeling is that Michael Jackson was not a pedophile. I think he hung around kids not so he could molest them, but because he really saw them as his peers.

Parents are there to shelter the child from the harsh realities of the adult world, while at the same time preparing them for that world. I don?t think that the people around Michael Jackson were able to do this. It is hard to do. Even a well-meaning loving parent can get caught in the trap that kind of fame culture brings to bear.

I bet Michael Jackson would have traded it all in for a chance to be normal. A very, very sad ending? even though he had accomplished so much, he had experienced so little of the best things in life.

   So this week brings news that yet another Major League home run hitter failed a steroid drug test during his hey day. Great. This whole steroid controversy is starting to really bug me, primarily because of what it is teaching our youth. 

   During the time of our recent presidential election, people were talking everywhere you went about politics. Apparently, teachers were talking to their class about it too. I have one child in elementary school and one in middle school. Both came home and reported that the class took a "Vote" for President of the United States and that the class wanted "OBAMA". They proceed to tell me the vote count etc. What I found interesting is that the vote count always correlated with the current polling of registered voters. I conclude that the kids vote for whom their parents say they are voting for, which doesn't seem too surprising. After some thought, I found this disconcerting.  I think it is much more beneficial for kids to learn HOW to think than to learn WHAT to think, since the latter usually means  "somebody else's viewpoint".

     I have fond memories of watching television programs with my family as a child. We laughed, shed tears, and cheered for our heroes. Those were cherished times, and valuable because of the things we learned and shared together. Unfortunately, opportunities to bring the whole family together for "TV time" are much harder to find today.

   Jean Twenge and W. Keith Campbell just released their excellent book The Narcissism Epidemic, which concludes that this is the most narcissistic generation ever and points the finger at today's parents. I am delighted that this book has been written and that this subject is starting to get some play. I have been screaming about this trend for years and am worried sick that we are raising kids unable to cope with the vicissitudes of life. An assortment of attitudes and behaviors that exemplify this trend include:


1. Everyone gets a trophy. Excellence can't be singled out for fear that the other kids feelings will be hurt.


2. Parents suing school districts if their child fails or gets suspended.


3. Kids under age five getting expensive electronic game systems (replaced, of course, as soon as an upgrade becomes available).


4. Kids being over scheduled with activities because parents want to make sure they don't miss anything. The kids themselves don't even know what they really enjoy anymore!


5. Birthday parties costing hundreds if not thousands of dollars. (What happened to having a few close friends over your house and playing hot potato?)


6. A fully paid 4-year college tuition to a good school plus room and board is considered a right, not a privilege.


7. Always letting the child win in competitive games.


8. General lack of discipline?parents are afraid to discipline their kids.


9. Kids getting toys they want right away. Kids today never get the sense of what it means to really wish for something and wait (sometimes years) to finally get it.


10. Parents telling coaches how to coach and teachers how to teach. Notion here is that it is always someone else's fault if a child isn't succeeding.


11. Parents think it is their job to prevent their kids from being BORED. When did boredom get such a bad rap? Last I checked, lots of great things start with being bored (See Dr. Seuss Cat in the Hat!) This rushing in to "cure" their kids boredom leads to a culture of addiction to "new" "better" "faster" and "bigger".


12. General lack of focus on social skills, etiquette and respect for adults.


    I could keep going of course. So why is this all so bad for kids? The biggest problem I have with this is that it prevents children from learning how to deal with real life. If they are never allowed to feel frustration, or boredom, or the pain of losing a game, how can they develop skills to cope with it? They can't and won't. Second problem is that they never learn to value anything. They never have to wait a long time to get something they want, so when they get it, it is not really big deal. Next, is that they don't learn how to make their own way in life. They expect the world to conform to their needs, and if the world does not conform, then certainly Mom or Dad will fix it for them. I fear this will produce a generation of lazy children totally lacking in self-motivation and creativity.
   I applaud the authors who have the guts to point out where we are going wrong as parents and recommend that all parents read it!

       Have you ever watched the TV show Supernanny on WABC? If you haven't, you may be missing some great parenting advice.

   Hannah Montana, the Disney channel's wildly popular TV show about a "tween" pop star, has become a marketing goliath targeting girls aged 6-14. As the mother of a nine-year-old girl, I can tell you that in my house right now are Hannah Montana clothes, playing cards, lip balm, folders and notebooks, music CDs, and several movies. I think you get the picture!

        News story broke today that Madonna was denied her application to adopt a second child from Malawi. The reason stated is that it would set a bad precedent to change the rules for Madonna.