15 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS MY 2-YEAR-OLD SHOULD MAKE

1. I will put my toys away after I am done playing with them. I will even organize the fake food in my fake refrigerator.

2. Due to efforts that proved futile last year, I will stop resisting diaper changes. Besides, potty training is scheduled to begin shortly and then I will be free to poop on the floor.

3. I will let my mother wipe my face with a wet washcloth. Particularly if my face is covered with dried snot and old food. She is just trying to protect herself from judgment once we leave the house.

4. I will cut back my security items to one. Getting upset because I cannot carry both blankies, Abby Cadabby, and all three sippy cups
(milk, water, and juice) at once is silly and unproductive.

5. I will learn to love my mittens.

6. When I finish eating a food item but still have some left in my hand, I will put it down on my plate in a separate discard pile instead of throwing it directly on the floor.

7. I will work on broadening my cultural horizons. I hear there is a world beyond Sesame Street.

8. I will limit the number of times I say the word “again” in any given situation. I understand that even if I find something fun enough to do over and over, after three, it ceases to be fun for everyone else.

9. Similarly, I will switch up my preferred bedtime books. I have a large book collection and there is no reason why I should make my mother read the same four books night after night.

10. When outside on the streets of Manhattan, I will refrain from licking random glass surfaces.

11. I will reframe my concept of naptime to both a privilege and a gift. Certain people would do almost anything (pay large sums of money, commit heinous acts, etc.) if it meant they would be allotted one hour in the middle of the day to lie on a bed (or so my mom tells me).

12. I will make an effort to expand my palate. I’m sure there are other culinary delights I can learn to enjoy besides crackers and bagels.

13. I will not throw a tantrum the second something goes wrong. Instead I will think about my dilemma, determine the most effective course of action, and then implement a carefully thought-out solution.

14. I will relinquish control of my iPad for a few hours a week so that my parents can check their email, play Angry Birds, etc. While I’m at it, I will stop referring to the iPad as “mine.”

15. I will stand still for approximately one minute a day. In that time, I will look my mother in the eye and tell her I love her. Like I mean it.